Turn the other cheek

Have you ever been told to turn the other cheek? My friends often say it to me. They think I should stay calm and ignore people who insult me about my disability. But in my experience people who say we should turn the other cheek scream blue murder when others do them wrong.

Turning the other cheek is a good strategy at times. It can show bullies how small they are. It can also break the tit-for-tat cycle of hostility that occurs when we retaliate to others' rudeness. But some people, particularly those with a disability, have to endure constant insults. It can dent our confidence and darken our mood. When this occurs it may benefit our mental health to respond to those who offend us.

Many people with a disability develop strategies to cope with abusive or rude behaviour. It comes from years of experience of dealing with people who have a need to put others down.

A civil approach

Helen lost her forearm to bone cancer just over 30 years ago. Strangers often question her about it. When asked, “Where's your arm?” Wilson says she would like to respond with “Where are your manners?”

However she doesn’t respond this way as she generally loses her nerve when confronted by such a question. Helen says the asker often appears clueless and immature, and she genuinely feels sorry for them. So she considers it a teaching moment and answers their question honestly and with grace and kindness.

Responding to unwanted attention with politeness can educate people who don't understand their behaviour is rude. But there can be others who are deliberately annoying and offensive. If we turn the other cheek all the time, negative feelings created by insults can build up inside us making us angry and bitter. We may become like those who criticise us and take our frustrations out on innocent people.

Faking your disability

Brett was diagnosed with Becker Muscular Dystrophy in his teens.

“I had great neighbours when I was young”, he says. “But when I moved to a new suburb some people were not so friendly.”

Shelton was 22 and studying engineering at university at the time of his ordeal. “Someone got the idea I used a cane to show off because I don't use one all the time”, Shelton says. “

One guy used to say to me sarcastically “You're special”, Shelton says. I told him his haircut was a special haircut if ever I saw one. He seemed quite hurt and surprised. He never said anything rude to me again. But he was the exception. Usually when I said something cheeky to someone who was trying to upset me, they became aggressive. It was pretty scary at times.

A lesson in manners

Daniel lost his hands in an industrial accident. He usually gives people a period of grace if they are rude. “Young children have a free pass to stare. They mostly think I am a pirate or super hero anyway”, Bryson says. But sometimes people are so offensive he feels they need a lesson in social graces.

“The first time I went to a restaurant after my accident there was a couple near us”, Bryson recalls. “They seemed intrigued by my wife and kids feeding me pizza. They were literally turned around in their seats making no effort to be discreet. I was thrilled to be out therefore I didn't care about anybody else there. But it ruined my wife's mood, which sadly, affected our meal time.”

“Seeing none of us were having fun anymore I decided to give them their money's worth. I proceeded to have my version of a grand mal seizure (a very believable combination of electrocution and the scene from the movie Alien where the creature rips through the guy's stomach.) My kids and I felt it was an Oscar-worthy performance. The rubber-necks did stop once I abruptly ended my seizure and defiantly stared at them.”

Making people think twice

Unless someone has experienced constant disrespect they might not understand the effect it has. We may turn the other cheek but we risk bottling up our anger and hurt. Maybe giving people who are rude a taste of their own medicine or answering them in a civil manner can ward off negative feelings that are created by their offensive actions. It might also make people think twice the next time they want to have a bit fun at someone else's expense.